New year same me
01 Jan 2024
Entered the year with now 49 published posts here on Medium, pushed 6 out in the last few hours of the year, all written much prior to yesterday, some even 3 years ago. Felt good, helped with some purging, like a metaphorical release of sorts even if it wasn’t a release of what was going on currently in the mind. Mind definitely is an interesting place, it cares less for current things than we do for sure. We stand and stare at the most current problems hoping to solve them thinking that to be the only way out of it whereas the mind cares only for creating space, it can be by clearing 3 yr old posts even, it will still feel lighter. That is beautiful and at the same time much more simplistic than we often prefer/presume/perceive.
The end of 2023, I have to say did not feel the best. I did not find anything worth celebrating or being happy about. While the whole year had millions of micro moments of happiness and pride in the kind of life I built for myself, the absolute gems of people who showered me with love, in the end I could not see any change in the final outcome or the overall progress when compared to where I was the year before. I felt like I was unable to move the needle on any of the aspects of my life — I earned and saved through the year but did not have enough income by the end of the year, no stable source still. I got out of one and got into another relationship but this one also doesn’t seem to work and the year ended with me still wondering if this aspect of my life will ever work. Lastly, the master’s program i started 2 years ago is still very much not finished, I ran into several bottle necks through the year and the year ended with a lot of uncertainty in this aspect too. Plus the looming question of what will I do with my life after I am not a student anymore. I don’t have any plans on how I will stay or what kind of future life I will create for myself. In many ways it felt like I was going around advocating my life and choices to others, others who had at least something sorted in their lives, while I don’t have any of that. It felt like a sham job to be using my life as any sort of an example for anyone.
I do understand that it might be a bit harsh to let these things make me feel so pulled down yesterday. But they are also facts, facts I need to face so I can at least start to think about solutions for them. Maybe this year, I keep them as my focal points. Maybe knowing how much they bothered me and pulled me down is reason enough to work on them. Maybe this is the part of my life I become intentioned about this year. Maybe this is my hint for the work that will be needed this year. They are really large topics and thinking about them scares me and maybe that is reason enough to tackle them head on and for once invest into a longer term life for me. Maybe this is when I turn into a long term planner. Maybe I will be thankful for my trouble this time next year. Maybe just maybe I will have answers for all of these aspects of my life and maybe just maybe I will not wake up next year feeling pulled down by the weight of it all. Or maybe I will barely move the needle once again and will write another post on how nothing changed.
