The friend’s partner dilemma

I had been a serial dater and a chronic people pleaser for majority of my life. This had put me in a very common situation — of being part of my partner’s friend group….several times. When you do something several times the first thing that seeps in is tiredness, yes, but you also start seeing patterns especially if you are a pattern seeking deep thinker, voila, added bonus of seeing things that are not visible to plain eyes.

Let me introduce you to one such pattern the world lives quite happily without and has nothing much to gain from — the friend’s partner dilemma. This is a unique kind of dilemma faced by the receiver i.e. the partner instead of the instigator i.e. friend group. We will look at this situation from both sides (as good investigators should).

The group’s perspective:

• In a group of friends one of the friend introduces his new partner. Everyone is happy, welcoming, talkative, silently aloof.
• Maybe the friend has brought many partners to the group before maybe he hasn’t, either way the friends don’t know how long this one will last. So, all parties deal with it wearily, with an unsaid, unconscious caution.
• With increasing frequency of the new entrant’s presence in social situations the group takes her more and more seriously. But never as a whole person always as an extension of the friend himself. For the longest time (or perhaps ever) the group has no idea of the partner’s individual life, who is she as a person, what does she do, what are her interests, what was her past life like, these are not questions to be considered or pondered on.
• There are also some other unsaid rules, the girl is only to be directly communicated with for topical topics and for in-the-moment funs. Each question is posed to the ‘couple’ or the friend, scheduling is via the friend, representation of the partner is by the friend, the new entrant has no real voice, the friend speaks for his partner and acts as the forever middleman.

The partner’s (you) perspective:

• You are thrilled with the newness, meeting the friends not only introduces you to an important part of your partner’s life but also gives you access to a new set of people, the types you would perhaps otherwise never meet, perhaps its a bunch of people you have nothing in common with perhaps you have plenty common with.
• You enjoy the eclectic mix, you look around with wide eyes trying to take everything in all at once. The varying personalities, their unique lives and experiences, their inter personal dynamics, their histories, their stories, how did the group meet, who met whom first who is better friends with whom, what are the micro groups, who hangs out outside of the group, who doesn’t. Who will become your future friend, who will you gel most with, what topics do they talk about, what are their rituals, who is the alpha in the group, ooo was that a hint of friction. You want to figure everything out.
• It feels like a researcher’s playground of microbes it wants to insert itself into and observe them under the microscope both at the same time. It is so much joy.
• As time passes you gel in because you are so good at being a chameleon, equal parts your personality, your own ability to mix with varied types of groups, your deep interest in humans, your knowledge of all kinds of topics and your people pleasing tendencies. It all helps you find gaps to fill in and be a non-group-dynamic-changing fly on the wall.

And then, you break up with your partner, the original friend of the group. Silence. What happens now? The gaping partner shaped hole in your heart, will that need to be adjusted to his friend’s shapes too? The connection you built, the energies you put in, the moments you spent with your partner are clear as day light to be extinguished, but what about those you spent with his friends?

The first few times this happens, you try to chase the unicorn, the mythical creature, who promises that you can still be friends with your exes friends. After all you folks are individual humans who had individual connections (?!) and shared so much space and time together. As your data set increases you, however, realise it only adds micro heart breaks in your life. To figure dynamics with your ex’s friends while you pick up pieces of your relationship, to figure if the pieces of friendship with his friends need picking and recycling as well is not the added topping you want on your pizza.

The next times, you learn to treat the group as an extension of your partner’s as well, the people as half a people who you have no idea of as well, the dynamics only communicated via your partner, the scheduling only done by him. Him, your forever middleman and all the unnecessary figuring avoided when inevitably you break up and release yourself in the world, with a partner shaped hole in your heart, functioning just fine without the group you never considered your microbes in the first place.